I can remember, I started feeling suicidal when I was 13. I was a sad and lonely child, but when I was more so in my teens, I started feeling even more suicidal because I still have a bit of an overbearing attitude and it made people feel uncomfortable around me, and it made me feel depressed. I just wanted to get off the planet so I could spare the people the pain. Then when I was22, I had an experience that changed my life forever.
I was told I had Asperger's Syndrome, and that when I was 8 or 9, I was diagnosed with it. My mom never told me until then because she didn't want me to be labeled and bullied, and was worried about how I would let that affect my life. But my dad also didn't believe in it either, and to this day, he still doesn't. It made me feel angry that they didn't tell me until then, but it doesn't bother me much now. I couldn't let it define who I am, and to this day, I'm still not letting it. But my mom also told me she had to tell me when she felt sure I was ready to take it and see what I could make of it from there, and it did me good to know that I could be a bit more self-aware, though I didn't feel better at all. Because I kept falling into a deep depression here and there, and still my old overbearing tendencies came back frequently to haunt me, and still make me feel worthless and useless because I could still be overbearing to people without even intending it.
The last time I felt majorly suicidal was last year (2016) when I was working without hope for awhile, and I was feeling like I was letting everyone down. I knew though I had to carry on but it wasn't worth it to tell anyone till too late because I didn't want people to pity me or fuss over me telling me to go to the doctors and whatnot.
But I have learned the hard way, though, that to be silent is the real killer, and the only way to defeat suicidal thought and tendency is to be blunt and open about it with people and especially those you know you can trust, and that's why I feel so much better and all the depression and anxiety goes away with it. Especially by doing things I love with people I love too.
In 2013, I lost my brother Jarred to suicide. That put a bit of a shocker on my life and I wondered how I could have helped him when we confided in each other that I had Asperger's Syndrome, and he dealt with general anxiety disorder and depression which ultimately culminated in him taking his own life when he reached a period where everything came crashing down on him.
In fall of 2011 when I was at school in Ancaster, I lost a good friend to suicide in Guelph too, and hers was the first funeral I went to. It was hard, but I knew the best way to honour her memory, and especially now my brother Jarred's, is to not leave this planet and keep reminding people of the fact that no matter how much life is a downer at times, you should never give up, nor fight alone, nor are you unloved.
That's what I remind me and my friends and others to this day; keep fighting the good fight! And know that whatever mistakes you've made, or how others have treated you, understand that you are not a mistake. You're given a great chance to live.
My name is Robin Jupiter, and I am a suicide attempt survivor. But how did I stop myself? I didn't know who I was, but I knew SOMEONE loved me. And still does to this very day. And that's enough to say I should still go on for as long as I can.
Suicide is real and it's alive. But it's NOT going to be defeated until someone is open about it.